A Journey of Hope

The long wait

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Baby, Experience, Life

Pregnancy is marked by weeks and weeks of a slow, anxious and sometimes agonizing wait.

It is often said that pregnancy lasts 9 months. Aside from the shortest months, each month contains about 4 and half weeks. The weeks of pregnancy are counted from the first date of last menstrual period (LMP), and the expectation is that the average pregnancy lasts 40 weeks.

I’m in the middle of week 5, with 34 and half weeks to go. That is 242 more days, assuming everything goes well. And for me, that is a big assumption.

I’ve had four previous pregnancy losses. One ectopic pregnancy in the fallopian tubes at 7 weeks, two miscarriages at 9 and 12 weeks, and a stillbirth at 36 and half weeks. None hurt quite as much as the stillbirth, because I had gotten so close and felt it was going to be a sure thing. But they all hurt.

Right now, I am cautiously waiting. I know there is always the possibility of another loss. Because of my history I have a 1 in 4 chance of early miscarriage and a higher chance of repeat ectopic pregnancy. It’s still too early to tell, but I hope the little bean, as we have taken to call the embryo, is healthy and developing well.

My first doctor’s appointment is in another 2 and half weeks. I will have an ultrasound then to determine gestational age and assess the health of the baby. It will be a long wait. I feel paranoid that it will be another sad day, though I fervently hope that there will be a heartbeat, that it will be in the right place, and that everything will be okay.

The Power of Voice

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Experience, Love, Men & Women

A good voice is incredibly attractive to me. I think it is the thing that first attracted me to my husband. I didn’t know what he looked like; he just had a “sexy” voice. It wasn’t particularly deep. It was just mesmerizing to me.

A person’s voice conveys a lot about personality and demeanor. My husband was also attracted to my voice right away, and he said I sounded cute, sweet, shy and nice. Although, I very much dislike my own voice.

In Dune, the Bene Gesserit have a concept called “the Voice,” using their vocal talents to persuade and compel others to follow commands. It’s quite interesting. I feel there is definitely something energetically deeper going on about voices and tones.

I come from an Asian culture (Chinese) that takes for granted the fact that women will cook, clean and stay thin after marriage. But the idea of giving the husband kindness and love verbally is still not common. I watched women do all kinds of chores for their husbands, but also frequently nag, criticize and complain.

I was verbally berated by my mother all the time and decided from a young age to not do it to others, especially not those I love. I knew how much it hurt because it was done to me. People say “sticks and stones may wound me but words don’t hurt,” but Bush has a song with the lyrics “you have broken me… nothing hurts like your mouth.”

As women, one of our gifts is in our Voice; we can cut/wound/insult/attack with words, or we can nurture/heal/support/love with words. In my past, my darkest moments, I did think hurtful thoughts, but I tried not to utter them out loud. There were instances where I failed and intentionally hurt someone with words, but I regret them. I don’t want to gossip or badmouth other people because talking trash behind someone’s back makes me uncomfortable.

The other important thing to realize, which is difficult to convey over the text medium, is that tone of voice matters. The exact same sentence can mean totally different things depending on the way the words were said. Tones reveal intention, and if you say something in a kind, sweet and loving way, it will show your love. And vice versa. When I write posts I try to verbalize them in my mind in a nice way, but sometimes it does not cross the anonymity of the Internet.

I find that it is a good thing to try to be civil, kind and even-tempered with everyone, including those who share one’s views and those who do not. To love one person is to love every person, and the love we send out to one person might multiply onto many others. As we are social creatures, and as it is socially considered more “feminine” to be kind, sweet, nurturing and loving, the power of Voice lies with us.

One year

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Baby, Experience, Life

Last night I had a dream about our son who was born without a heartbeat last year on January 19. He had most likely left us some time between January 17 and 18, or a year ago last night.

It was not a sad dream. In the dream, I saw and felt glowing in the darkness. There were ghostly orange-ish and yellow-ish lights swirling around me, and they hugged me and made me feel warm and happy. I remember thinking that they weren’t normal ghosts.

One of the swirling light forms took on the appearance of a solid-looking flesh-and-blood small boy. He was clad in blueish clothing and had a look of youthful innocence. He came up to me, hugged me, and called me mommy. He told me that he was happy and doing fine, that this world was not a place for him, and that I shouldn’t be sad.

In the dream, I kept looking at him and hugging him in disbelief and wonder. I wanted to ask him more questions, but I had the feeling the message I was meant to take from the contact was one of happiness, warmth and loving contentment. I woke up with that same feeling.

Although this is, and will always be, a sad anniversary, I try to remember the spiritual teachings that I have learned, and remember that our purpose here is to learn to the beauty and truth of love and light, even in the face of seemingly unending darkness and pain.

I still love and miss our little boy, who would have turned one tomorrow.

Two stripes

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Baby, Experience

Last night, I got a positive home pregnancy test result. Today, I became paranoid about having a false positive, so I tested again, this time following the instructions exactly. Both times showed a faint second line. And, my period has not started.

So I can cautiously say that I am most likely pregnant! :)

Wondering and hoping

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Baby, Experience

It’s still too early to tell for sure, but I have a feeling that I’m pregnant.

Technically my period isn’t supposed to come until tomorrow. I started feeling cramps on Wednesday the 11th, which made me think I was getting my period early. But it still hasn’t come, and instead of the typical pre-menstrual symptoms, I’m increasing getting the feeling of fullness in my breasts. I’m also getting more heartburn and feeling more fatigued.

I am trying not to be overly optimistic. I could just be over-analyzing my body, and my period could still come in a day or two. Even if I am pregnant, the miscarriage rate is in the 20-30% range, and the risk doesn’t go down until well into the second trimester. And, of course, there’s the possibility of another stillbirth. I’m no longer innocently naive to all of the things that can go wrong.

But if I am pregnant, then it means that at least my body is working properly. We are getting a home pregnancy test tonight, and we hope for the best.

Poverty

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Life, Spirituality

Olive, a bright young woman, commented on the tendency of privileged Westerners to romanticize poverty. I think this is likely because the struggle to survive can make people feel a lot more “fulfilled” than the struggle of waiting in traffic or dealing with your in-laws. Various “first-world problems” like your cell phone dying or getting a computer virus seem big, but really in the grand scheme of things, it’s not that big of a deal. We can try to be grateful just for having food on our table, which is the origin of Thanksgiving. But really, we’re still dealing with an obesity epidemic rather than problems with hunger.

A lot of people who were born and raised upper middle class don’t really appreciate what they have because they’ve never known anything else. Even when they travel to remote places, they know they can get back to the comfort of civilization. They’ve never had to, for instance, live in 40 degree celsius heat (over 100 degrees F) without air conditioning while undergoing a drought. They’ve also probably never really faced death.

I grew up in China pre-development, and lived in what would be considered by American standards to be dire poverty. My mother and I also survived on very little when I was younger. My husband volunteered in a developing country in Africa, lived alone for over a year, lost like 60lbs and had to be hospitalized. Those early life experiences make us feel less inclined to go “discover ourselves in another country.” We’ve already sought out spirituality and gone through a lot of hardships. We also know there are people who have gone through way worse, and it gives us perspective.

These issues run quite deep, and I don’t think they can be solved by a mere return to “traditional values.” Without traditional conditions like brutal hardships, close-knit families and communities, constant threat of disease, starvation, and death, those values are merely lip service. We don’t really want to give up our modern conveniences and goods, throw out our microwaves, electronics and automobiles, or move out of large metropolitan centers back to small huts in villages. So what next?

The other day I listened to an NPR radio program about a guy who was a huge Apple fan, loved Apple products and bought the newest and latest gadget every time. Then one day he heard about some pictures taken by Chinese factory workers who put together these Apple products, and decided to see the factories in person. What he found was quite astonishing. There are people who work like slaves to produce our electronics. They work crazy hours and live in squalor.

Suppose that people boycott Foxconn, which is even reputed to be one of the better Chinese factories for working conditions, and stop buying electronics. Is this realistic? Can it even happen on a widescale basis? If it does, won’t that hamper China’s economic development, which is now tied to the world’s economy, fiat currency and economic models of constant growth? And who are we to say they can’t modernize just like the West has done? So on, and so on.

The situation is quite complicated, and there are no easy solutions. So we keep on doing what we have been doing until something derails these tracks. If you ask me, I think the real problem is not material poverty, but spiritual poverty.

Time and space

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Experience, Spirituality

It was night, and my dream began at night.

The sky above glowed dark, a round black sun in the center of the world. I fell through a tunnel, and emerged at the other end of the black hole into a bright golden sun, the same size and shape, a mirror universe. It was somewhat like what people describe in near-death experiences, the light at the end of the tunnel.

It was the same world as I live in now, but a twin with its own rules. In this world I could only move through time. I could still see everything, the sun, the animals, the people, the objects, but I could not affect them. I could move forward and backward in time.

In my dream-state of figurative imagery, I saw a wooden bookshelf that should have held records, but the woman who stood next to me — perhaps my guide — told me that in this world, there were no books. She said that we can go to any time in history and see all that has transpired, thus no need for memories or records, for we can replay everything at will.

I followed her lead and tried to practice “movement” in this world, time-travel. It was unintuitive to me. When I changed time, the entire scene shifted away from the empty bookshelves. I remember standing beneath large trees, at a street corner, watching the traffic go by. I wondered to myself what time I was experiencing.

Near the end of the dream, an internal voice told me that in this world, we are to master time-travel, while in the normal world as I know it, we are to master space-travel. By doing so, when the two worlds meet, the masteries will lead to something great.

I woke this morning and felt like the dream had shown me something profound. This is what Ra said in the Law of One:

The process in space/time of the forgiveness and acceptance is much like that in time/space in that the qualities of the process are analogous. However, while in space/time it is not possible to determine the course of events beyond the incarnation but only to correct present imbalances. In time/space, upon the other hand, it is not possible to correct any unbalanced actions but rather to perceive the imbalances and thusly forgive the self for that which is.

The decisions then are made to set up the possibility/probabilities of correcting these imbalances in what you call future space/time experiences. The advantage of time/space is that of the fluidity of the grand overview. The advantage of space/time is that, working in darkness with a tiny candle, one may correct imbalances.

As I interpret these statements in light of my dream and what physics say about dimensionality, I am inclined to theorize that “space/time” refers to our present, living experience and reality, 3D space and 1D time, while “time/space” refers to a different, parallel reality, 3D time and 1D space. The numeration may not be exact, but for the moment I’ll leave this theory with those “archetypical” numbers, which when put together make 11 and 33.

It is interesting that according to Ra, in this reality, we are in “darkness.” There is a veil that is pulled over us, and we feel like Neo in the beginning of The Matrix, feeling like there is something more, but unable to pinpoint it because we remain trapped in the dream. I think, but I do not know for sure, that what lies beyond “space/time” and our limited cognition is not some barren wasteland of post-apocalyptic ruin, but rather the universe in which our souls rest.

In the “time/space” universe where time is laid out before us like a vast expanse, we can review what has transpired and have a “grand overview.” If this is the place where our souls go, then it is the learning ground for souls. Unincarnated souls in “time/space” cannot move freely through space, while incarnate souls in “space/time” cannot move freely through time, move back into the past or view the future.

The words “setting up future space/time experiences” refer to what we call “reincarnation.” As I had written previously, I feel like we are each here in this world to learn lessons. I feel that I am learning the things my soul had set out for me to learn in a lesson plan of sorts, because these messages resonate with me strongly.

In these metaphysical planes there is a great deal of what you call time which is used to review and re-review the biases and learn/teachings of a prior, as you would call it, space/time incarnation. The extreme fluidity of these regions makes it possible for much to be penetrated which must be absorbed before the process of healing of an entity may be accomplished. Each entity is located in a somewhat immobile state much as you are located in space/time in a somewhat immobile state in time. In this immobile space the entity has been placed by the form-maker and Higher Self so that it may be in the proper configuration for learn/teaching that which it has received is.

After the death of the physical complex in yellow-ray activation the mind/body/spirit complex moves to a far different portion of time/space in which the indigo body will allow much healing and review to take place before any movement is made towards another incarnative experience.

It is true that the nature of time/space is such that a lifetime may be seen whole as a book or record, the pages studied, riffled through, and re-read. However, the value of review is that of the testing as opposed to the studying. At the testing, when the test is true, the distillations of all study are made clear.

Perhaps the most critical difference of the veiling, before and after, was that before the mind, body, and spirit were veiled, entities were aware that each energy transfer and, indeed, very nearly all that proceeds from any intercourse, social or sexual, between two entities has its character and substance in time/space rather than space/time. The energies transferred during the sexual activity are not, properly speaking, of space/time. There is a great component of what you may call metaphysical energy transferred. Indeed, the body complex as a whole is greatly misunderstood due to the post-veiling assumption that the physical manifestation called the body is subject only to physical stimuli. This is emphatically not so.

I am sensitive to and aware of this transference of energies, and I have always been drawn to those who are similar in these aspects. My husband tells me, “When we seek, the veil thins, and we can see more of the light.” Last night, he did a deep meditation holding my hands as we fell asleep, which I feel like helped lead to my dreams.

Reading these passages evoke in me a feeling of profound sadness and joy at the same time. It makes me want to cry to think about the “home frequency,” a place that I could truly call home.

They know not what they say

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Baby, Experience

Yesterday, as we were filling a prescription at the pharmacy, my husband made the joke that with all the paperwork he had to sign, he felt like he was signing his life away.

The pharmacist, a young fellow who couldn’t have been out of pharmacy school for very long, continued the joke, and said, “Yeah, it’s like you have to give up your firstborn son or something for it.”

My husband and I glanced at each other, and he half-chuckled and said, “Oh god, please no.”

As we walked away, out of the pharmacist’s earshot, my husband said to me quietly, “We’ve already had to give up our firstborn son.”

I thought to myself, and for what?

Later in the evening, someone we both know that plays the same video game we play, the wife of a married couple, remarked that she was cold, and that she always prefers the thermostat turned up in their house.

I said that women tend to have warmer cores, and less blood flow to their extremeties, so they generally have colder hands and feet, giving an increased perception of coldness.

Warmer core temperature protects the vital organs, and I theorized that a reason for this is pregnancy. Then someone else started talking about how women love babies, and I still felt sore from the earlier incident. So I said, “Let’s not talk about babies please.”

None of them meant to hurt with their words. To them, it’s just a casual remark, just them being friendly and making conversation. I don’t fault them for it, though it still hurts.

It’s getting close to the one-year anniversary of when Liam was born — that is, stillborn. It’s not been an easy year, and I’ve had to learn how to deal with this constant, low-level aching and pain.

In a way, it is why I’ve been trying my hardest to be more considerate and internally loving to other people. I don’t know what others are going through, just like they don’t know what I’m dealing with, and it’s better to be nice and polite than to add to the sorrows of the world. I’ve been trying to forgive others when they lash out, because I don’t know what has caused them to behave as such.

I can only try to forgive them, try to understand them, and try to love them.

A New Year’s List

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Life

It is New Year’s Eve, a time for reflecting back on the year past, and to look forward to the future.

When I was growing up, we had no tradition for New Year’s resolutions, so I didn’t start thinking about resolutions until my teenage years. I also didn’t keep track of them, because I would often get some type of inspiration throughout the year and begin implementing it immediately. That’s how I started exercising daily.

I’ve always been a task-oriented person. When I was in school, I would always get my homework done before I started doing anything else. Sometimes I finished even before the school day was over. I was fast, efficient, and I only procrastinated on multi-day projects. I often spent my leisure time on the computer and Internet, reading random articles, chatting with people, or playing video games.

I still operate that way. When something takes a few minutes to an hour, it gets done right away. When something is too big to finish immediately, I take a long time to get around to it. As a result, I play too much and don’t get enough done, and I feel unproductive.

Here is my new plan, something I’ve been trying to keep track of in my head, but that I think will be more useful when written down. This is the J in my INFJ, planning ahead, organizing and categorizing. It will help me not lose focus. The choices I make shape the quality of my life, and by intentionally choosing things that I know are good for me, my efforts and thoughts will result in an overall improvement to my life.

Weekdays
- 7:40 AM wake up
- 8:40 AM arrive at work
- Take at least 30 minutes to socialize and talk to people
- 6:00 PM arrive at home, prepare dinner, eat
- 7:00 PM play, leisure time
- 10:00 PM shower, exercise, sleep

Thursday
- Morning: take out trash and recycle bins

Saturday
- Laundry (bed, towels, clothes)
- Put away laundry
- Clean kitchen area
- Play, shop, etc.

Sunday
- Clean bathrooms
- Take out small trash bags
- 10:00 PM shower, exercise, sleep

First Friday of the month
- Vacuum floors
- Steam floors

Last weekend of the month
- Pay bills (mortgage, car, electric, gas water, phone)
- Wash duvet cover
- Dust and wipe living and dining rooms

Daily/Regularly
- Supplements: prenatal multivitamins, omega-3 fish oil, calcium, vitamin D
- Drink plenty of water
- Do not exceed one small cup of craisins per day
- Keep up with friends and family
- Run anti-virus scanner, update patches, defrag hard drive, back up personal files
- Dedicate at least 30 minutes per day to writing, discovering, learning something new, artistic and creative pursuits, spiritual development and activities, etc.

This list is not exhaustive, nor is it technically a resolution, since it will be evolving. It is a re-focus on my priorities, love life, work life and leisure life, and an effort to ensure that these do not get out of balance.

Happy New Year’s!

Quantum theories, holograms, spirituality and the universe(s)

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Life, Spirituality

I have always loved ideas and theories, new and old. Science aspires to uncover via observation, experimentation, and applying the scientific method in a systematic and logical fashion. When reading the Law of One and other texts of a similar nature, I mentally search for ways to connect the material back to scientific knowledge. For instance, the colors of the seven chakras or energy centers correspond to the colors of the visible spectrum, which also change depending on the amount or level of energy:

Adding continuously to the total energy of some radiating body would make it radiate red light, orange light, yellow light, green light, blue light, violet light, and so on in that order. But that is not so for otherwise larger suns and larger pieces of iron in a forge would glow with colours more toward the violet end of the spectrum. To change the color of such a radiating body it is necessary to change its temperature, and increasing its temperature changes the quanta of energy that are available to excite individual atoms to higher levels and permit them to emit photons of higher frequencies.

In 1924, a French physicist named Louis de Broglie proposed the idea that all matter exhibits properties of both particles and waves. A quantum particle will act as a wave when an experiment is performed to measure its wave-like properties, and like a particle when examining its particle-like properties.

It is a paradox in our common scheme of understanding, but this paradox is resolved by seeing the universe as a holographic projection. The NOVA series on PBS, The Fabric of the Cosmos, explains the holographic principle, the theory that the universe itself might be a hologram.

In 1982, another French physicist, Alain Aspect, discovered that under certain circumstances, subatomic particles are able to communicate with each other regardless of the distance separating them. Renowned British-American physicist David Bohm, who had worked alongside Einstein and contributed to the Manhattan Project, proposed that this experiment shows the holographic nature of the universe.

According to Bohm, subatomic particles are able to remain in contact with one another, not because they are sending a mysterious signal back and forth, but because their separateness is an illusion. Thus, particles are not individual entities, but are actually extensions of the same fundamental something. As Michael Talbot wrote in The Holographic Universe, explaining the principle behind the hologram:

A hologram is a three-dimensional photograph made with the aid of a laser. To make a hologram, the object to be photographed is first bathed in the light of a laser beam. Then a second laser beam is bounced off the reflected light of the first and the resulting interference pattern (the area where the two laser beams commingle) is captured on film.

When the film is developed, it looks like a meaningless swirl of light and dark lines. But as soon as the developed film is illuminated by another laser beam, a three-dimensional image of the original object appears. The three-dimensionality of such images is not the only remarkable characteristic of holograms. If a hologram of a rose is cut in half and then illuminated by a laser, each half will still be found to contain the entire image of the rose. Even if the halves are divided again, each snippet of film will always be found to contain a smaller but intact version of the original image. Unlike normal photographs, every part of a hologram contains all the information possessed by the whole.

If the universe is holographic, it means that at a deeper level of reality all things in the universe are interconnected. The various phenomena of the universe that we observe on the macro level are informed by the subatomic particles at the microcosmic level. The human brain itself may be a part of a continuum, connected not only to every other mind that exists or has existed, but to every atom, organism, and region in the universe, it may be occasionally make forays into the larger consciousness and have transpersonal experiences.

In the 1950s, Stansilov Grof, a Czech psychologist, conducted research with LSD as a psychotherapeutic tool. One female patient of his suddenly became convinced she had assumed the identity of a female of a species of prehistoric reptile. During the course of her hallucination, she not only gave a richly detailed description of what it felt like to be encapsulated in such a form, but noted that the portion of the male of the species anatomy was a patch of colored scales on the side of its head. Although the woman had no prior knowledge about such things, Grof later had a conversation with a zoologist who confirmed that in certain species of reptiles colored areas on the head do indeed play an important role as triggers of sexual arousal.

The woman’s experience was not unique. During the course of his research, Grof encountered examples of patients regressing and identifying with virtually every species on the evolutionary tree. Grof also had patients who appeared to tap into some sort of collective or racial unconscious. Individuals with little or no education suddenly gave detailed descriptions of Zoroastrian funerary practices and scenes from Hindu mythology. Some individuals also gave accounts of out-of-body journeys, precognitions, and regressions into apparent past-life incarnations.

Synthesizing all of this and applying it to the Law of One material, the following passages begin to make some sense:

You are not part of a material universe. You are part of a thought. You are dancing in a ballroom in which there is no material. You are dancing thoughts. You move your body, your mind, and your spirit in somewhat eccentric patterns for you have not completely grasped the concept that you are part of the original thought.

Consider, if you will, that the universe is infinite. This has yet to be proven or disproven, but we can assure you that there is no end to your selves, your understanding, what you would call your journey of seeking, or your perceptions of the creation. That which is infinite cannot be many, for many-ness is a finite concept. To have infinity you must identify or define that infinity as unity; otherwise, the term does not have any referent or meaning. In an Infinite Creator there is only unity.

The next step is an infinite reaction to the creative principle following the Law of One in one of its primal distortions, freedom of will. Thus many, many dimensions, infinite in number, are possible. The energy moves from the intelligent infinity due first to the outpouring of randomized creative force, this then creating patterns which in holographic style appear as the entire creation no matter which direction or energy is explored. These patterns of energy begin then to regularize their own local, shall we say, rhythms and fields of energy, thus creating dimensions and universes.

The galaxy and all other things of material of which you are aware are products of individualized portions of intelligent infinity. As each exploration began, it, in turn, found its focus and became co-Creator. Using intelligent infinity each portion created an universe and allowing the rhythms of free choice to flow, playing with the infinite spectrum of possibilities, each individualized portion channeled the love/light into what you might call intelligent energy, thus creating the so-called Natural Laws of any particular universe.

Each universe, in turn, individualized to a focus becoming, in turn, co-Creator and allowing further diversity, thus creating further intelligent energies regularizing or causing Natural Laws to appear in the vibrational patterns of what you would call a solar system. Thus, each solar system has its own, shall we say, local coordinate system of illusory Natural Laws. It shall be understood that any portion, no matter how small, of any density or illusory pattern contains, as in an holographic picture, the One Creator which is infinity. Thus all begins and ends in mystery.

Each time we make a choice, we create new possibilities, new distortion in the cosmic oneness. Since “all are one,” all possibilities come into being and are explored infinitely.  As Brian Greene said in the last part of the NOVA series, Universe or Multiverse, “If there are an infinite number of universes in the multiverse, somewhere there’s a place where almost everything is identical to ours, except for the slightest details.”

Thus, there are no paradoxes. All possibilities exist.