A Journey of Hope

What makes men fall in love

Love, Men & Women

Okay, here goes part 1. My ideas on how to make a man fall in love with you without sex. Or… just theories for how men tend to fall in love. The guys can tell me if these theories are completely BS.

1) The first is obvious. Gorgeous good looks. Hot body. Beautiful face. Luscious hair. Big boobs. Nice butt. Long legs. Men are known to be the ones who “fall in love at first sight.” A truly stunning woman has guys professing their love for her all the time. Most of us mere mortals will never have this happen to us, but most 9′s and 10′s have probably had at least one stalker in their lifetime. For us non-models, keep a slim figure and maintain good grooming, and at least we won’t repulse guys. Okay, moving on…

2) One thing that really gets guys going is a girl who is positive, full of life, and laughs a lot. A pretty girl smiling a genuinely happy smile as she looks into his eyes for a long time — that makes a man melt. I’ve never had a guy compliment me on my frown, but I have been told that my face lights up when I smile. A positive girl makes people around her feel more energized, which is very attractive. No needy, clingy, bitter, depressed or unhappy vibes. This is “inner game 101″ for a girl. I have some work to do with regard to this personally, but I still have that smile. :)

3) Some of the keys to a guy’s heart are in his past. If she can get him to open up to her about his childhood, his schoolboy days, his hurts and pains, then he’s halfway to love already. He wants to know that she accepts him as he is, with all of the baggage and old wounds, and that she isn’t going to cause him that same kind of pain — hence guys often talk about wanting “sweet” and “kind-hearted” girls. Being emotionally vulnerable with her means he trusts her, which is huge.

4) She reminds him somehow of a past love or a maternal figure who gave him unconditional love. Men often subconsciously model the idealized woman after their mothers in some way. Sexual imprinting from young crushes and partners can also be potent. Some guys have a “type” because those girls are the first ones he got aroused by during early puberty. Or it could be girls he saw in porn who got him off. Regardless, there’s something about her that is uniquely tuned into his sexual circuitry.

5) She gives him a hell of a dopamine rush. Some guys get this rush from talking, and they tend to be the intellectualizing types (I happen to be this type, too, so I’ve talked a few guys into falling for me). Some guys get this rush from doing interesting activities, so for example a lot of outdoorsy type guys get together with outdoorsy girls. Unpredictability also amps up dopamine. Some girls say that if they play “girl games” with a guy and mess with his head a bit, that gets her results (personally never worked for me). And of course, we know that sex can give both guys and girls a dose of dopamine, too, especially if it is very pleasurable. This is the risky gamble that some women use to try to get relationships, as has been discussed.

Part 2, personal anecdotes about what makes a guy fall in love.

When I asked my husband what made him fall in love with the previous girls (he had fallen for 2 other girls before me), he said it was primarily that they “showed interest” in him. I should also mention that each of those girls had been going out with a male friend in their social circle at the time. She showed him interest, dumped her boyfriend, escalated physically, then dumped him. He wasn’t too happy with girls in general after that.

The other thing he mentioned, which he refused to elaborate too much on, was that those girls “moved in a certain way.” He said movement is not part of bodily proportions or facial ratios, but is still “attractive.” I’m guessing he means a feminine and seductive demeanor or walk or something. But without knowing more I can’t say for sure.

Finally I asked him what made him fall in love with me (my favorite topic, clearly), and he said, very matter-of-factly, “by talking to you.” I prodded him to explain how, and he said, “You were just really easy to talk to. It was easy to open up to you. You didn’t think I was weird, and you didn’t get scared away by the real me.” That doesn’t seem like a very big deal, but apparently it was. Admittedly, I fell for him by talking to him, too, so I guess I also showed interest.

14 Responses

  1. “You were just really easy to talk to. It was easy to open up to you. You didn’t think I was weird, and you didn’t get scared away by the real me.” That doesn’t seem like a very big deal, but apparently it was. Admittedly, I fell for him by talking to him, too, so I guess I also showed interest.

    I doubt any man would disagree with this. Most women keep their bitch shield up so much, I just don’t feel like approaching.

  2. I don’t have a bitch shield, but I do have a shy shield. I am very reserved and quiet in peron. I did actively seek my husband out to talk to him via chat. I’m much less reserved online. :)

  3. Yeah, I’m a sucker for those types of things.

    I’d also add comfort/stability to #2. A girl who is not stressful to be around and is considerate of those around them is a lot easier to love than a demanding, high maintenance witch who is always seeking conflict.

  4. Hope, I sort of like your list. But my experiences would have me add one more thing.

    Both my first wife (when we first met) and the first girl I started to fall for after we divorced did one thing in common. They both made an effort to treat me different than the other guys around them. And it doesn’t have to be a particularly obvious display either.

    If I may relate the tale, after I divorced I was pretty miserable for about two or three years, but I kept going to the gym. I wasn’t looking to get involved, particularly, but I was trying to get out of my room. As it happened, I overheard one of the 40 something guys I knew slightly trying to chat up one of the semi-regular women there. She was cute, but not extraordinarily so. Personable, though.

    Anyway, he was obviously older than her, a known player (I’d say he’d pass for an “alpha” these days) and when he asked her age, I overheard her say “I’m 17.” He left. I was more than a little surprised because if I knew anything about her at all, I knew that she had much more maturity than a 17 year old.

    She was on an exercise cycle next to me, so after this guy left I just said to her. “You’re not really 17, are you.” (statement, not question). And she responded “No, I’m 24.” I believed her.

    Well, at the time, I was about 40 myself (and certainly no alpha). Something in her tone and her answer told me that she was being honest with me and trusted me, and those were things that other guy was not going to get from her. She absolutely made me feel special right there on the spot. It was very effective.

    We did date a bit, but unfortunately circumstances were against anything serious happening. I met my wife and got married some time later, but I do remember that girl fondly.

  5. According to #4, we can probably blame Michelle Kwan for my preference for Asian women.

    Speaking of which, I wonder if she’s single… ;)

  6. Hi Hope,

    Congrats on the baby boy. I wrote you over on the latest HUS post, but thought I’d swing over here. I like your tips. I am still confused about a guy I like. He is very attracted to me, but he will not open up intellectually to me. I value one-on-one communication, I would wager he saves this for his closest friends and family. If I am around, mums the word. He is more quiet than usual (he is an extrovert, I’m introverted). I’ve gone to events and keep to myself. He seems to like that. He always seems to mirror me in that effect. But I can’t seem to get it to one-on-one or small. Which is what I need in order to feel comfortable. Any suggestions? I would say he is an intellectual type or an ideas/philosophy guy (I am too), but he just gets silent. Maybe he is waiting for me to show that I am willing to be adventurous/exciting? I think we are the same. We both don’t want to open up till we are sure. He needs the emotions and I need the dialogue first though.

  7. Joe, that is true. A guy likes a highly selective girl, and especially when she selects him above other guys.

  8. Hi Kaikou, thanks. :) As to your question, if your guy likes you, then he is nervous and has a hard time opening up. You might want to ask him for his email address and send him letters. Start out casual and say you had a good time hanging out with him, and ask him what you want to ask. Any dialogue is better than no dialogue, so don’t force it in person if it’s not happening there.

  9. Thanks! I encourage you to re-post the knowledge you dropped over at HUS in the comments section about girl game. I know those posts will be great! I would hate to see them lost to girls like me who want to make an effort.

  10. Thank you Kaikou. I will consider it. Been a bit busy lately though. :)

  11. Hello,

    I love this article because as a woman, what your husband stated is what made me get attached to a particular guy. Im not sure where our situation is going (we’re only friends..sometimes a little more) but one thing I am sure of is that Im a very eccentric and bold thinker and I have a billion theories about so many different things. Sometimes I say crazy stuff and most times I say inappropriate things because I just like to explore lots of different topics. This guy is literally the only guy I’ve met that gets me. He is very similar to me in this regard and for that reason I find him just as fascinating. Whenever I say something crazy, he laughs and talks about how he never looked at something that way. I instantly fell hard because out of all the guys who looked at me like I was weird, or judged me, thought I was too talkative, or just never understood what I was talking about, he was the one who found me fascinating, entertaining and interesting and that’s such a great feeling to have… Acceptance for who you truly are is magnificient!

  12. KidWhoFallsInLoveTooQuickly

    I just reminisced over the girls I’ve fallen in love with, and it’s the girls with confidence that really get me.

  13. Have a guy who I’ve just made a yr with not talking but on n off stuff but when togeather it’s amazing but when were seperated I feel forgotten he.s been hurt by his baby mama n so he.s different he.s a player at times and were both single he.s all I think about how do I make him mine n he sees I c him for him n I just wanna b widd him n only him he took me to meet his family and everything what does this mean what do I do???

  14. I’m so glad to have found your blog.
    I met my bf online .. and also, always was shy in person .. so, knowing that you talked to your husband via chat gave me so much hope .. ♥

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