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I cannot tell anyone around me that I am pregnant, so I am just trying to get through the day without allowing others to see my weaknesses.
Try as I might, I can’t seem to shake off this feeling of physical imbalance. It’s as if my body is rebelling against me. My normal reactions have turned into more insidious versions of their previous selves.
I am normally quite healthy. Before, I would stay alert with no caffeine, have no battles with food and no disordered patterns with eating. Now I find myself exhausted easily, fatigued to the point of wishing to nap mid-morning.
Each time I think about food, or snacking, or heating up leftovers, I feel nauseous. I do not find much of anything appetizing. Yet my stomach is constantly painful, as if in hunger. After eating I have heartburn and indigestion, despite my healthy diet.
It is difficult to think clearly when my body demands so much of my attention. Already not the most coordinated of graceful, I am even clumsier than usual, often bumping into things, hurting joints and limbs unnecessarily.
I recognize signs that I am not myself. I can tell that it is not making C happy. I complain much more often than normal. I worry, too, that he is becoming less attracted to me as well, since I am not the usually cheery and well-balanced girl he adores.
I struggle to discipline myself and not focus so much on my body’s misery. At least, I can take comfort in that I am not throwing up constantly or dealing with other medical issues in attendance.
I’m sure that the worst is yet to come. But for now I’m dealing with it. These are, according to my readings, signs of a healthy pregnancy. That makes me happy. Now, if only I can take a nap at my desk…