The following are from emails that my husband sent me
Your letter is exceedingly insightful! You are absolutely right. I want so badly to see you NOW but.. for you, I can wait. Some part of me has been waiting to be ready for you my whole life. Waiting another month to stare into your eyes is, by comparison, trivial.
I was thinking about your letter while I was working today — moving around computers and stacking them neatly into the truck — and had so many thoughts going through my head. And a big smile on my face. But for all the things that can be analyzed about love and what it is, why it is, how it feels, it is so much more beautiful for me just to feel it.
Your description of relationships past is interesting. I think you’re likely right that I was feeling something similar in the past. I used to “want” a “relationship” so badly. I felt like all these other people around me could find relationships so why were mine always so.. bad? I think I just wanted to be able to “say” that I had a girlfriend. Which, in hindsight, seems so silly. I eventually realized this. I realized that if I was “looking” for a relationship, I was never going to find real love. So I stopped looking and contented myself with the possibility of being single my whole life but “hoped” that I would eventually be in the right place to meet someone special. Someone who was right.
On top of all that I am very picky in certain ways. Not in the typical male ways of body type, background, personality, intelligence, etc. I am very picky about being certain that things feel right. I’m very picky about feeling that the love I share is genuine. I am very picky about being certain that there is a real and meaningful connection between myself and the object of my earthly affection. I never found these things before. I tried to “create” them but… That was silly. With you, I cannot even begin to explain it. I have no room to be picky with you because I feel like everything I ever could have wanted has been found in you. That phrase, and its profound feeling of truth, nearly brought tears to my eyes in writing it… And I don’t tear up easily.
I have a story to relate as well. It struck me as profound at the time. While I was driving the truck back to the shop, I saw a man who was struggling to walk. He was older, scruffy, possibly homeless or at very least living very poorly. I looked at him and felt that I should send him “love” to try to help him. And he looked at me. There were plenty of other cars on the road, but as I felt that thought go through my head, and the tingle of the healing mind in my head, he looked me straight in the eyes. And I thought, maybe I shouldn’t be so eager to send out my love.. what if I run out? Then.. a thought popped into my head. It was almost not my own, if that makes sense: Love is not a perishable resource. And I had a sort of “aha!” moment. I need not worry about ever “falling out of love” with you or “getting bored” because… love is not perishable.
It’s strange because it really hasn’t been so much A to B as it is a continuous and fairly smooth progression from A to wherever we choose to take it. Really, this is living in the now. Sure we could define B or C as meeting in march, or D if I somehow found a way to go to China with you (which doesn’t look likely to be honest). Or E if we choose to make a life together. But it’s so beautiful to see the even flow such that mile markers and scenic cairns feel almost obsolete.
I cannot define my feeling of love for you, nor my feeling of being loved by you. Sometimes definitions are unnecessary. The only wording which works, and is sufficient, is to say “I love you” and truly mean it. More powerfully than I could have dreamed. I could write for the rest of my life to try to describe this one feeling adequately, or I could simply feel it with you. And live it.
I feel also like I have been waiting for you my whole life. Like everything in my life was, aside from its own significance, preparing for me to meet you now and share what things may come. I say this intentionally vaguely because I otherwise feel like I want to share the rest of my existence with you. I feel like, together, we can reach for infinity and actually grasp it. Experience it together. And I feel like we have experienced it before. Together. That is the most mind expanding part. I feel like I have known you for longer than my own life, and as you’ve said, we’ve only recently “met”. I cannot know if this is truth or a hormone-chemically induced hallucination, but it really doesn’t matter.
While the vastness of infinity remains forever on our palette, I have doubts that we are meant to drift apart. Whatever things either of us could achieve alone are compounded geometrically by our being as one. That is how I feel with you, and I have not so much felt it before. We are one being, complete. It’s at once frightening and beautiful beyond words. This feeling, seeing the other as one’s self, is what that Law Of One philosophy claims ascension is all about. With you at my side I may actually be able to achieve these wonders which I’ve always felt I was here to manifest.. having no concept of exactly what they are. You’re destined for greatness as well. Once again, I cannot know how. Even the greatness of the light we can bring into this world through our expressions of love would be an achievement to be proud of for eternity.
I have so much more to say to you, but, thankfully, I also have a plenum of time in which to do it:)
I feel there is real truth to the comparison of Light to Love. A profound similarity — an isomorphism — connects these two concepts. Just as our eyes are sensors which pick up vibrations of electromagnetic energy we name Light, our hearts are sensors which pick up the etheric vibrations of something called Love. It is a real energy. It empowers our hearts, bodies, and minds. It is the food of the happy soul — Ambrosia.
Some would say that our eyes also sense darkness, much like our hearts feel pain. I feel this is a misnomer of significant proportion. The sense of darkness is a recognition of a lack of light. We do not “see” darkness, rather we recognize when the light reaching our eyes is dim or otherwise not present. It is the same for love. Some would say that we feel pain and depression and fear. Perhaps this is more accurately a sensation wherein we consciously recognize a dimness of love or a lack of it.
When we yearn to feel the bright light of the afternoon sun washing over our bodies, but are deprived of it, we feel a longing. We feel a lacking. Perhaps we even feel pain or fear. What if the sun were never to rise again? What if this lacking of light were to persist forever. It is the same, then, for love. The sensation of pain and fear — the anxiety caused by an absence of Love — is a manifestation of our Love sensing organs failing to sense that Love. What if it’s never felt again? What if loneliness will persist for the rest of existence? I would argue, then, that these feelings are a chimaera. They are a sensation born of a Lack of love.
Some look at the nature of electromagnetic vibration — the physical body of Light — and see two opposites. There is darkness, and there is Light. But darkness is an illusion. Some would even say that the fundamental medium of existence is a darkness which can be permeated by Light. This too, is an illusion. In every microcosm of space, we can detect the vibrations of Light. It may be dim, or of a frequency undetectable to our ordinary senses, but it is there. Always. And the strongest darkness, when ennobled by Light, is transmuted in remarkable time. Meanwhile light cannot be transmuted by darkness. It can be absorbed. It can be transformed into motion and life, but it cannot be destroyed in the way that darkness is destroyed by light. Love is the same.
All of the pain and longing and separation we may have felt is burnt away by the brilliance of Love which we can feel. Surely we can feel pain or depression or fear, but only in the absence of the bright radiance of our Love which is ever present in potential. Should we be afraid, we need only remember that there is One who Loves us. Should we be anxious and despondent toward the future, we need only remember to open ourselves to the Love which the other sends — to open our heart’s metaphorical eyes. And in doing so that Love will wash over our body, our heart, our mind — touching to our very soul — feeding us the Ambrosia we require. Reigniting the sun inside of us that may reflect and recreate that Loving Light in return.
I choose to feel Love. I am compelled by a connection deeper than my waking mind to Love you more purely than I have ever been capable of before. Should we ever feel doubt, we must only remember these words: I love you.